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i want to

at least, i think i do

i'm scared. i know i am scared. and not because i was watching 'snapped' when eHarmony's commercial came on

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it isn't even my un coerced affinity for listing what ifs. nor of that affinity's preference for the non pleasant. so, it couldn't be a reasoning: like: if we are all in potential of cancer...only need a trigger to activate cancer within us...then, can we all be in potential of snapped...and, only need a trigger to activate this snapped within us. of course, no part of paying a dating service to hook me up with a psychotic crossed my mind. (i visited a couple places. ok, more than a couple. my god, there's so many. and, i am cursed with an innate pursuit for exhaust. but i just couldn't do it. aaaaaaanyhoot. it seems the more $ + time demanding the service = the more thorough. i don't know if thorough is exactly the word. maybe, clinical - in the commercial sense, if there is one.)

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never mind that some one should have put a bit more thought into this commercial-show pairing. maybe they thought it would spark images of thoroughly picked and paired specimens. ok, maybe. but how thorough are these services. background check. check. dna test. negative. routine physical. negative. and don't get me started on who's generating the bulk of this info. me. for example, i'm 5'9'' but taller is sexier. so. i'm usually 5 feet 10 inches and a quarter

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seriously. i've been seeing these commercials. and i've been saying to myself. what if. there is an entire world of people. is there a mate to my soul out there. is there one per peoples. because, you know they say, we have a twin of other race. and if there is an identical us minus maybe exact pigmentation. then can't there be a twin us of personality. and of other collective minutia of existence. wo'ow this is exciting. and, if so, then there has to be a mate to my soul for the various souls of me. (ok, i don't like using the word soul like that. but i can't pin it, so i'm leaving it.)

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a mate to my soul. i'll never meet. unless i hit the cyber club scene. even then. i'm assuming my mate has enlisted, too. but, then. i think. what if. the mate to my soul is looking at me every day. and i'm not looking back. or. is talking to me every day. and. i'm not talking back. then, i think. i'm too young to consider cyber clubs. but then, i disagree with any ism - and shouldn't my protest include active participation. but then, i think. it really is embarrassing. laying out total self. to have some html. or initialed person. or, non initialed body. interpret and notify

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is there some debriefing. i found lists of 10 tips. only 10? among them: don't be overly sarcastic; don't talk about past relationships; don't talk about sex or anything too personal; be honest; create a unique profile; don't be discouraged; mass market. yeeeeah. sounds like a contradiction to me. sounds like some lie-by-omission to me. sounds like some major assumption to me. sounds like some role playing. and devaluing of potential mates. to me

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do i get first dibs. on who and what. i am. before who and what i am. is passed on to these paper-generated soul mates. and, how much does physical and genetic history play in. let's just be honest. sex is a possibility. i mean, i saw sites that ask if your goal is dating, marriage, children, sex. just like that. side note: there are people looking for children; 'marriage then children' wasn't a choice; each item was a separate goal. and, i'm not old fashion. but, where's the home training. unless - wait i just had a thought - unless, this is a step better than anonymous sperm and egg donation. let's say, cooperative insemination. wasn't there a scene on this in 'the big chill.' i love old movies

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back on track: so, i want to try it. just create a user name. and password. lay out my wants. try to answer those questions. which will be tough. because my personality isn't straight forward. ok, it is. but not with love and passion. these are delicate, flirty, fun, free. . .(laughing). anyhoot. i am creative everything. especially words. who can understand me. those questions aren't designed for me. and answering straight (no offense), doesn't really convey my meaning. so, then. am i lying. how can i meet my soul mate on a foundation started in a lie

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some of my friends have thought about it. and the biggest issue. is whether it makes them desperate. does it? how much of a catch can you be. if you have to cyber club. still, none of this is why i'm scared. like i do, i'm just thinking out loud. there is a world of people. if i am seeking my soul mate. surely, the entire world is my club scene

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i am scared. that. i will. meet the mate to my soul. and not be able to have him. how much does it cost to get to the other end of the world. and, why should i be the one to relocate?